Friendship and Friendliness

Easy Ways to Make Friends

Americans are often open to meeting new people, but they may assume that you have many friends and are perfectly happy. Here are some easy ways to take initiative and make friends:

• Participate in Partners HeathCare's career development groups, which also offer social events (pub nights, coffee hour, etc.).
• Join hobby/interest groups, such Meetup, which offer hiking, photography, going to restaurants, etc.
• If you have a Harvard academic appointment, join a Harvard social group.  Click here for details.
• Find an intersting event on a Boston event website or on a  Boston visitor website and invite an American to go with you.
• Join a sports team/league.
• Attend lectures and events at universities and colleges in the Boston area. Visit their websites for high-quality shows performed by students or public events that feature speakers from all over the world, which are usually free or cost very little money.
• For more tips, see the Cultural Adjustment section.

Categories of Friends

American life, especially in the Northeast area, is fast-paced and very competitive, so people tend to specify their relationships in categories such as:

• Friends from work
• Friends from school
• Family friends
• Neighbors

Many times, Americans do not mix their categories of friends ("friends from school" do not mix with "family friends" etc.).  For example, you may ask somebody from work to go to a movie theater, but they may tell you that they already have plans to see a movie with other friends.  It may seem unusual that your colleague did not invite you to join his/her other friends to see the movie, but Americans who may be interested in getting to know you may decline invitations unless the correct “category of friends” is attending.  If you express your interest in going out again, you might be invited to another event in which "work friends" are involved. 

Categories of friends may overlap as time passes.  You are not required to categorize your friends in the U.S.--it's acceptable to mix categories of friends if you would like.

Short and Long Friendships

Because these "categories of friends" can be limited by time and other factors, people develop many, many relationships in relatively short periods of time.  The independent spirit within American culture may lead friends to break off from relationships if they feel too dependent upon them. The friends may become close again after some time passes.

Because of this, most Americans develop only a few life-lasting friendships with very deep personal bonds.  If you do not like this pattern of friendship, you can discuss how your ideas are different, especially if your culture allows deeper connections to many people for longer periods of time.  Discussing this without judgment can create an open dialogue with Americans through which they can understand your culture better, too.

Quick Conversations

Americans sometimes say “hello” simply to be cheerful and positive, but do not intend to follow up their greeting with a conversation.  In the United States, people often will ask, “How are you?” or “How are you doing?” when you meet them. These are usually polite phrases more than personal questions, and they do not always expect an honest answer.  If you are well acquainted with this person, you might say how you truly are feeling. If not, the accepted response is usually “Fine, thank you. How are you?” — even if you are not feeling very well.

Americans prefer directness in communication. When Americans say "yes" or "no," they mean exactly that. "Maybe" really does mean "it might happen"; it does not mean "no."

Even though many Americans are highly educated, they are sometimes remarkably unaware of other cultures. They are generally eager to learn about other countries and cultures, but sometimes you may need to begin the conversation.